existing publicly online

I've retreated here, for a fresh start. I choose a completely different alias from any I have else where online. I've removed myself from anyone that would moralize my harmless interest. I deliberately choose a lesser known site with less traffic.

My primary motive was self expression without being moralized, but my secondary one, the fear of being made fun of, still haunts me. Being turned into a lolcow, being turned into a meme, having my accounts tracked, being treated like a degenerate, are all included in what I fear will happen to me, because of my strange interest or personality.

I've never had it happen to me, but witnessing it happen to others has instilled fear and paranoia.

I convinced myself for a while this isn't thing that could happen to me because my lack of popularity but I've seen small people get pulled into this bullying and harassment. I guess it was naive of me, considering neocities popularity as a site hosting platform and its feature of being able to look through sites hosted there, but I thought of it as the ultimate indulgent home. Seeing others site being mined for 'cringe' content made me realize that it wasn't immune to nonsense. It has decreased my chance of being seen, but hasn't fully eliminate it. It isn't a locked down journal or limited to a small group of like minded individuals.

I'm happy to have people in real life I can turn to to be weird. I still love spewing my thoughts and the anonymity, and the alternate being I'm allowed to be online however.

I've seen lots of other people that have deleted everything from their public profile and slink away without a trace. I think if I got a bunch of storage and backed up all my profiles, I would be able to easily do it, but I don't think I'd be able to stay away. I love to speak to others without being seen. I love sharing and talking about art. Even that tiny bit of existence leaves room for people to be cruel.

I really hate that this is just something that must be dealt with, and expected. I wish I didn't feel the need to obscure myself. I guess that just the way it has to be. I'll still be online having my fun.

What I want most is a private group of people I like, and I already have a few of those! But I enjoy new people. To have those, I already know, you have to spend at least SOME of your time publicly to meet people or signpost. I just wish I didn't have to lol

(no subject)

Last night I had a dream I was dating Atsushi!!!!

We were on my bed. I had a moment of looking at old photos of him on my phone then looking at him and being like...wow this is real, this is the same man and thought how amazing it was that I was the one person that got to date him.

Then I told him I was saw a tweet that said "Imagine dating Acchan" and I told him I wish I could reply with "I don't have to imagine!!" But I couldn't for obvious reasons lol. Then I grabbed his face and pushed him down to lay on him. :]