cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Why do I have to be the good person and let the person I love live the life they want. The cardcaptor route I could say. Why can't I make myself be a bad person and force someone into a romantic relationship with me? I'm just mentally incapable of acting that way. I know it's bad but I want to be bad and hurtful because I feel hurt.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Sleeping with my friends worn undies on my pillow to sleep at night. I'm living the dream !

I exchanged a clean pair for the dirty one. We are like business men
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
I had a dream that the roads were mixed traffic of both motor vehicles and trains. Not in the way they are in the real world, where they intersect through each other, but they both moved forward in the same lanes.

In the street, there were grooves in the middle of each lane lined with metal for the trains. They weren't in every lane and sometimes stopped partway. The ends of each groove was in the shape of a circle.

I was in the street, and I saw a car at a stop light a few lanes over. Behind it a train was coming and because of its weight it takes trains longer to slow. It made me really nervous that it would slam into the stopped car. In fact, there were two trains coming in that lane. Both stopped in time, luckily.

I ended up turning into an animal and ran through the street and into the woods until I ended up at some sort of camp/wilderness place. I ran past some people through some trees but some white guy spotted me. We ended up in his bedroom of the building on site. When I looked out the window I saw and heard my bf running and yelling my name. I yelled back to him and eventually he ran into the room and we hugged each other. He had been looking for me since I ran off as an animal.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
On October 21st, 2022, my boy friend broke up with me after about 10 months of dating.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
That's why he asked for his games back, he even brought my wrist brace back I just noticed
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Hello, today is my birthday, I am now offically 20 years old!

I went to the store today with my mom, grandma, and my nephew. My mom was watching my nephew today for my sister while she was at work. I played with my nephew a bit on his phone, and tickled him and swung him around.
My dad sent me some money. It turns out he is just now getting over covid :( Glad I didn't invite him to go swimming now, I'd feel bad.
Bf came over and I laid with him. He ate dinner with us. Grandma wanted to make burgers and baked beans and buy amish macaroni for me since she knows I like all those things :) We went outside with my nephew for a little while and walked around the block. We made him run and then ran with him. Do not run in clogs they hurt lol. Some little girl saw us and asked if we had a boyfriend. When I said yes and that the guy with me was him, she yelled "Disgusting!". I kissed him after walking some more and she yelled and then started chasing after us. She said her brother would be mad at us lol. I an back to my street and when I turned around to go back, she hit me, yelled "Get away from me." and "Bye Felicia." and ran back. She almost went down the wrong street and I thought she was gonna get hit. I followed her back to make sure she got there okay.
Then my nephew left and me and bf laid around and banged. It was fun. I made him try some of the pie I bought before he left. He took his mom's dish back home with him.


On the 24th I went to the doctor because the day before I thought I had a heart attack. I thought of this as a little birthday gift to myself. I forgot the card I was supposed to bring but it was okay. We had like zero wait time. When I went in they put some stickers on my and attached wired clamps to them. It turns out the test was fine and I'm okay. We got to see some of my mom's work friends too.
On our way back we decided to go to the book store because it was nearby and my mom wanted to get me a present. I was in there for quite a while. The energy was good in the manga aisle.
People my age and also some kid with his mom looking for stuff. The kid was looking for steel ball run and I pointed him to where I thought JoJo stuff was. There was also some lady who asked me what I was looking for and I just said "something new". She asked me about Chain Saw Man and I told her that my bf really likes it.
The store had a bunch of new and interesting looking books today. A shit ton of black butler. They had a book of essays and interviews by Miyazaki and they also had a book about making manga by the JoJo guy. Both seemed interesting and I almost got one of those. I also almost got a book by the lesbian lady. Her manga about her alcholism. In the end I got a manga about make-up. You can tell it's trying to market itself to a broader audience because it's left-to-right, like that Marie Kondo book. Which makes sense since it's an informational book!

On the 23rd, which is the day we actually celebrated my birthday, we went to go swimming. This is when I had the chest pain that made me fear I had a heart attack. I told my friends about it and they were nice and told me to take an antacid. WHen I told my bf he didn't reply to that part. When I was checking in with my bf, he told me he couldn't go which made me sad but it wasn't his fault. I just wish he would have told me sooner. It did really make me sad. Before we left we picked up a cherry pie and some cupcakes from my favorite bakery.
It was my older sister, her new guy she's talking to, my mom, and me who went swimming. I was sad at first, and also there were WAY more people there than I thought there would be, which freaked me out. I eventually swam away from most of the people and started to enjoy myself. It was just me and my mom for most of the time after my sister and her boy went off on their own. I had fun jumping in from the deck and floating around. Eventually it was all of us again. All of us (except her boy, idk) had on sun screen and my mom didn't get completely burned! We came home and showered and had pizza. We sang happy birthday and the pie was good and my grandma and grandpa gave me a card with some money :D I was real tired from being up at like, 1 am and from all the swimming. I slept well that night. And FINALLY my sleep schedule was back to normal. My sister spent the night again that night. Overall, it was a good day :)
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
I'm so sad. A mix of life and a mix of my sleep schedule. I feel so sad. I want to melt away in sadness. I feel so sad in a way, I don't know how to tell anyone. I feel lonely somehow. I spent so much time alone before and yet I feel bad now. I'm feeling those calls with my friends did a lot of heavy lifting and without them much now I'm feeling how I would have otherwise. Alone in my house barely talking to my family. I'm sad, so sad, so sad. I felt true pointless depression and now I'm sad and my chest hurts so bad. I want to cry to my mom again. I want to cry and be held and kissed by my boyfriend. I feel so sad. I know my mom loves me at least. I want to see her more.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
I'm sad I miss my bf. I just saw him but I want to lay around with him.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Laying in bed listening to Sasayaki by Buck-Tick. Imagining BDSM scenarios with me and my bf. Him tied up, me teasing him, denying orgasm. Slowly my POV switches and I'm imagining it from my bf's perspective.

I'm sure there are plenty of dom's that get off on their actual role or whatever but I wonder how normal this is. I know people get turned on seeing their partner in pleasure but I don't want to just witness it, I just want to be in their role.

I got real penis envy, no cap. I WANNA FEEL AN UNATTENDED, PROLONGED HARD ON SO BAD!!!!!!!!!

#helth

Jun. 14th, 2022 11:55 pm
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
I have been INSANELYYYYY inactive for most of my time post middle school. So glad to have a monkey boyfriend :D He spends a lot of his time with me relaxing, but it is still more than I normally do on my own. We have a shit ton of badminton rackets from the thrift store that are nice. I'm glad because it much lower stress then toss with the lacrosse ball lol. Plus there's a lot more running around with badminton.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Sakura and Li's cross-dressing made me think about me and my bf. Neither of us care much about presenting in a way expected of us. I wouldn't say either of us go out of our way to, if you looked at either of us I think we would be unremarkable. In what we allow ourselves to wear occasionally and how we allow ourselves to act around each other both in public and private, I think, is more freeing then most hetero couples allow themselves however.

That's why I feel so comfortable around him, I don't feel forced into a typical idea of femininity around him. I don't feel like he sees me as a stereotype. Also I can have fun with him because he is not overly serious about presenting like a man. He is not aligned with anything or any unassigned identity, he is just a carefree boy.

It's an enjoyable experience to not have to shave because he won't ask me to or treat me as disgusting for not. But I also love being cutesy and adore extremely fem aesthetics.

He can wear my dresses and look cute. Let me pick him up and spoon and pepper him with kisses. But he can also dress in a typically boy-ish way, and be an insane tough monkey boy.

It's fun to be free to move in whatever direction makes you happy. If I have any agenda, it's freedom for the people around me, to live and explore themselves without limitations. You can only benefit.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Made strawberry milk with the strawberries we picked from bf's yard :3
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
My bf was explaining to me that sometimes people wait to have sex before they get married so they can know each other better.

That seems silly to me because you can

A. Still get to know them while having sex

B. and also, by not having sex you are excluding knowledge about them (whether you enjoy sex with them)

But I understand everyone is different. Maybe someone can't date without having the sex take over in a way they think negatively affects them. That doesn't mean it has to be until marriage though? Why not a year? Is that not enough? I think Waiting till marriage would also incentivize getting married quickly which could lead to divorce(divorce rates being something he brought up).
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
It's kind of cute the way me and bf finished the last two episodes do sangatsu no lion today because in those episodes, Hina passes her entrance exams and goes to high school, while I, today, have just finished everything I needed to and am officially graduating from high school :)
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Thinking about how my bf said he doesn't think I'm autistic and that my sister only calls me autistic because it's the only way she currently knows how to process how fucking weird I am lol.

He's probably right, I think my severe anxiety disorder just nerfed my social skills in a way that could be confused for that. That mixed with my purposeful disregard for social norms I dislike, and my strange interest can only be understood by her as autism.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Been going to small restaurants with my bf. I think it's fun. I'm glad that it's something we both enjoy. It's largely his interest but I feel similarly.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Is what I'm feeling sub/dom/con drop when boyfriend leaves me or is it separation anxiety? Or both?
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
MY BF BOUGHT ME A CHEWY NECKLACE I'M SO HAPPY!!!! I told him about wanting one before he is so sweet 🥺
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
hehehehehe also to add to my last post he took my phone from me and said to try to go to sleep eljflhsflkhfkjh hehehhehehehhhehhe mI aMORRR I am going to kiss him SO HARD I WUB HIMMM MWAH!!! <3333
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
The best thing I have ever received from bf is being tucked in and kissed good night WAHAIH"HKHHSDKHFLH I go freaking crazy thinking about it!!!!!! I'm in love! I go baby mode WAHHH!!! He talked about how he did that with one of his friends before and I hope good sir enjoyed it!!! It is the best thing ever that could ever be received by bf!!!!

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