cream_and_custard

It isn't something I feel like I can easily talk about in front of others because of the sensitively of the subject, but I've been really into my body lately. For good reason, exercise is positioned as more about health rather than aesthetics but I feel like, because it's pushing me to do it, a bit of that superficiality in measured doses is helping my health.

I think moving in with my mom again and having no job has triggered a self consciousness at the thought of being perceived as lazy or ugly by the people around me. It's well know that ugly people draw more contempt, so I don't want to make it even harder on myself and draw any more, as I already draw enough of from merely being unemployed. As if that's in anyway fully in my control, ha, but I guess I'm the only node of the web they can see to direct any feelings at.

I enjoy that there are immediate, magical beautifying affects unrelated to your true physical form. My weight may not have changed, nor the shape of my body, but being in better health makes me feel as though they have. I suppose maybe there are real, visible changes outside of a mere boost in confidence that comes with exercise, maybe I look less tired or sad, maybe there's more blood flow helping my skin, maybe I walk and move with less effort? Regardless though, they're so hard to notice individually with human perception, so for practical purposes, they may as well be magic. I appreciate that feeling.

These feelings compounding together I suppose, has pushed me along. It's my newly grown gravitational force pulling my along to do this task everyday despite often feeling no desire for it itself. I don't think I could have easily gained this mix of feeling prior to now. Reflecting on this makes me think even more so that whatever draws someone to a hobby or life style is not nearly as dependent on pure or singularly logic (Exercising = Health!!!) as we like to pretend it is.

I just got down and did like, 8 push-ups with only a few second break in between each. I couldn't even do proper push-ups like a year ago. The momentum just keeps building. It took a very long and un-motivating time of barely being able to do knee push-ups.

If you don't think you can build strength, you absolutely can. My perception has been skewed to believe that If you can't do a push-up, there's no way you'll be able to. I didn't think there was an "in" if you didn't already have the muscles developed.

The key is finding modified versions of whatever you're trying to learn. Even if you can't do knee push-ups, there are easier versions.


I've gained muscle and it makes me so happy GENUINELY. It's like watching numbers go up in a game if you keep to it. Next, I'm gonna work on hanging and pull-ups! 💪💗