Lonely

Mar. 26th, 2023 11:48 pm
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Just so horribly lonely. American life is just so lonely.

My mom talked about how she "was never bored" and "always had stuff to do" when we drove to the city. I know it's supposed to be "better" here but I wish I had even a taste of that.

I can't make friends at work, I have no where to meet up and make friends, there's no clubs for adults. I just have to make my own I guess.

My friend has a car but never leaves her house, so I never see her. The boy is busy, and has other friends, unlike me.

Most of my family lives particularly close, and after being so aloof for SO long, it's strange to just imitate a one on one date.

I can feel my soul rotting and all I can do is go to therapy and hope that gaining social skills will overcome the systems that be, that make it 100x harder than it even should be.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
I went to my friend's house the other day. I rode the bus. I tried to go to her house before that but I got on the wrong one and ended up at a wal-mart ;;;;

This time when I was walking to the bus stop it was raining and I forgot an umbrella. The walk from where I got dropped off wasn't bad at all.

I love hanging out with her she's really nice and I want her to have more fun. I watched her play Stardew valley while we talked. Then my other friend came over and he sat and my lap and I laid around with him on her couch.

I tried to hug her and she went in the backroom. In there, she has her dad's bench press and we lifted weights and did squats with the weights.

I really like using it :-D I want to do more lifting, I want more muscles!!!

My friend, she's SUPER buff even though she hates exercising??? If she actually put effort in she could be extremely buff. Wish that was me lol.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Drawing is a much more slow/tedious process compared to writing. To change the scene of a drawing, you have to use your motor skills more, where the outcome is much more variable compared to the outcome of how a certain word will be perceived. Drawing is like sculpting in clay.

When writing you're working in modules. The speed I can type a description is much faster than I can draw it. Removing and changing parts is easier and less intrusive to the surrounding work. Writing is like sculpting in legos!
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
I really love writing, unlike a drawing you need more than one scene, you have to think about things outside of just the aesthetic of a person. It's a progress that requires day dreaming!!! And I love day dreaming. I sit in the breakroom, thinking of boys being sexy together and I get art out of it!!! How fantastic!!! And art that comes relatively quickly at that compared to drawing, even if I need to take a long break before polishing it!!! Yay for instant gratification!!! What a wonderfully fun form of art.

Dolls

Feb. 27th, 2023 10:13 pm
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
I feel like I would genuinely enjoy playing with dolls as an adult unlike when I was a kid.

The bus

Feb. 26th, 2023 12:47 am
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Riding the bus in the morning is sadism, riding it in the afternoon is a treat.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Why do I have to be the good person and let the person I love live the life they want. The cardcaptor route I could say. Why can't I make myself be a bad person and force someone into a romantic relationship with me? I'm just mentally incapable of acting that way. I know it's bad but I want to be bad and hurtful because I feel hurt.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Sleeping with my friends worn undies on my pillow to sleep at night. I'm living the dream !

I exchanged a clean pair for the dirty one. We are like business men
cream_and_custard: Konata of Lucky Star reading (reading)
I'm leveling up in Japanese fr. I can read and speak whole sentences. Learning lots of new vocab. Language learning is so fun but I didn't pass a single foreign language class in school lmao.

I really wish I had someone to practice with irl but it's okay, I'm still making steady progress.
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Writing gen loveless fic in current year [insert clueless meme face]
cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
Starting a few days late! Also my first time doing anything like this on dreamwidth ^__^


  • Current Passion: I started rereading the manga 'Loveless'. I REALLYY love it and wish there was more of a fandom around it. I've read the first volume. I kinda fell off reading it but I think I'll continue. I take my own little note while reading like it's English class lol.

    Also been looking through egl magazine scans again real slow. Lots of beautiful really creative stuff.



  • Where to Find Me: I'm kind of dead most places at this point. Used to be REALLY active on twitter, but alas, that era has passed. I honestly didn't want my dreamwidth blog to be connected to anything else I do, in case someone finds it.

    The one place online I am willing to link to this blog as I've set it up as a place to be cut off from most people I know is my neocities site. It's not great and is kind of stagnant as well, but there will be more in the future. Right now there's some art uploaded if you'd like to see. I plan this to be partly a repository for all my art and interest, fandom or otherwise. Most art stuff doesn't really get posted here on dreamwidth cause it's a pain.

    One day I'll set up a new email.

    Like everyone else my age, I do use discord ALOT but that's mostly to talk to friends.



  • Non-fandom interest: For non-fandom stuff right now I've been interested in sustainability with clothing. I find it really interesting, and it's something that's sustained(lol) my interest enough for me to read stuff about it that isn't tweets! I've also been mending holes in my clothes, it's something nice to do without a screen. I'm not very good at it but I find it fulfilling to preserve my belongings. I feel like i get holes easily :/

    Also back on the Japanese grind. Still not very far in it but much I can speak sentences now. It's very fun. Wish I had people to practice with.
  • cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
    Making a video essay on Bluey is enjoying it wrong! You're simply meant to sit back and feel like you're 7 again. 7 year olds do not write video essays!
    cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
    I planned to switch my blog to a winter/Christmas theme, but unfortunately, no computer and I'm to lazy to do it on my phone.

    Boowomp.
    cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
    Nyaaa just watch Tokyo Godfathers. Was good, nothing else to say.
    cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
    REALLY into Loveless right now. I never finished all the volumes I have, and I wanted to read more in general and omg... I'm just SO into it, middle school me, and stressed as hell highschool me could not have enjoyed this fully. Nyaaa they are just so good...

    I've also decided to write summary's when needed to make sure I'm keeping track of the plot, and write my thoughts down in a notebook.

    Wish there was more old fan stuff about it online or any active fans, it's dry af lmao.
    cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
    Those post of before and afters of little girls dressed all fancy, then cutting to them a mess piss me off lol. Learn to dress you daughters in practical clothes and hair you motherfuckers!!! They are not dolls, they are children, stop being surprised when they act like children!!!
    cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)
    Tumblr is filling me with rage lately. Worse fucking takes I've ever seen. Walkable cities are not ableist you fucking dipshits.

    Walkable ≠ Car free, either.

    If you disability requires you be driven somewhere, you can still be driven!!! The Netherlands are filled with little cars for the elderly and disabled!

    The isolation of my neighborhood alone should allow me to complain just as much, it has hurt and induced my mental illness in ways that have drastically fucked up me life. This is not good for anyone. I can't go anyway, and I never have been able to, and if I can't, someone that can't walk sure as hell can't either. We are all being hurt by this in ways we can't even understand because we know nothing else. No one in a walkable community is looking to us for disability accomodation.
    cream_and_custard: Imai and Atsushi of Buck-Tick (Default)


    This movie is fantastic. I watched it for the first time last night. It's a slow, atmospheric movie with love for the ordinary task of life and the people that do them.

    This movie will be taken off youtube at the beginning of December I believe!

    So go! Watch it now before you're forced to watch the shit uploads with a giant watermark!!!

    Now... )

    The trailer, for those it may interest.

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