(no subject)

Trixie has retired from Youtube and it's kind of insane to me. I saw it coming with how her channel has been but really it's crazy for me. I really have been watching her since the bronie days. It is a form of media that has been with me almost my whole life, longer than any other. Her influence to myself and others cannot be understated.

When I was the most into her videos when she was talking about anime and when she would be on the pcp with everyone, I would just think about when it was going to end because that type of stuff can't last forever and it's finally here. Not to be dramatic but it's like a shift in the world lol, because like I said, her videos have been with me SO long.

So much of my memories of my teen years are just of watching her videos. Laying on the floor late at night in middle school watching them, drawn into what she was saying and her videos. SO MANY highschool nights stayed up late, laying in my bed in the complete dark except for the phone or laptop screen listening to her videos or the pcp. Up late on a school night unable to sleep.

All of highschool I was excited whenever she posted a new video, I found everything she made fresh and interesting and entertaining. I could rewatch them endlessly. They helped me find new art I love, they helped me to think more about the art I engaged with, it built my appreciation for art and criticism. These videos have stuck in my head for years. When I had little human connection in my life, when I was depressed, and doing my worst they filled my head, and gave me something interesting to look forward to. Sometime just a voice to fall asleep to. Another persons thoughts to ponder and rework my understanding of the world.

Luckily, I've grown, and I'm not in a place in my life anymore where I need her videos. I have people in my life, and new hobbies, and new focus that bring me joy. I'm out of the hell hole which is highschool which has had a negative effect on my life. I'm surrounded by other sources of perspective that I'm eager to engage with. It still makes me sad but it's okay because I can still go back to many of them. Before, at a time when I needed them I may have cried, but I feel pretty good.

I would also like to think for a second, for media that influenced me so much, and been with me so long, pretty much no one around me knows I watched her. I think it proves to show how little I've unveiled about myself. Strange.

I empathize with her feelings and I hope she keeps herself afloat and keeps making art. I hope some of which I get to see if she doesn't mind. But even if she decided to leave the public internet forever I would be okay, I would only hope she's having fun and having the human connection and friendships that she deserves.

Adios Digi.